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Dead Hate the Living, The (1999)
My God, What a Stupid Movie
I am still wondering what I was thinking when I rented this. I read about it in Fango and remembered them talking about how their zombies didn't eat human flesh, they just wanted to rip humans up, due to the fact that "it costs too much" to show cannibalism. I guess the premise of some filmmakers making a zombie flick in an abandomed asylum/hospital/whatever it was only to find real zombies there seemed sort of neat. MAN was I wrong. I knew I had made a huge error in judgement by renting it when early on, there is a scene where a supposedly 'hot' blonde babe wearing all black or course, goes into a convenience store for supplies. The cashier leers at her while ringing it up, then says, "that'll be $36.97" and she simply takes the sack, glares at him, and walks off making some rude comment. He just stares at her. You know what they forgot to include in the scene? See, there's this tradition when you make a purchase where after you find out the total, you actually give the salesperson some form of currency in exchange for your items. And the guy doesn't remark in any way about her not paying (or make any remark at all), so you know it was just sheer sloppiness on the part of the filmmakers. It just got worse from there.
The worst make-up effects I've seen in quite some time, and that's saying a lot. The stupid "skull" makeup on some guy playing a zombie actually gets less realistic when he turns into a zombie for real. I would like to give them a little credit for using air bladders instead of CGI (yeah, like they could afford it even if they wanted to use it), but they actually parts of a guy's skeleton stretching like it was made of rubber. Little hint when you use air bladders guys, try to restrict them to parts of the body that actually stretch. One particularly bad effect was fake teeth, supposed to be part of the skull showing through, that actually were visibly glued on top of his upper lip (there was a second set underneath). Please note that I am making the effect sound more realistic than it was. The acting was slightly above average, but with lines like, "I think we've slipped into some kind of, like, netherworld, man" what can ya do? The plot seemed like it was being made up as they went along. There were elements that just plain insulted the audience's intelligence, such as a zombie whose main feature was that he visibly lacked any semblance of a nose, sniffing someone to see if they were human. I could predict everything before it happened.
Don't even get me started on the much better films that they ripped off blatantly (and DON'T try to tell me they were homages, I know the difference) such as Fright Night, Alien 4, Dusk Till Dawn, all the Evil Dead Movies...those are just off the top of my head, too. At one point, the Rob Zombie character says, "Make them die...slowly" and I guess we are supposed to be impressed that they tossed in a reference to the cannibal flick of the same name. As far as the ending, they seem to have just ran out of money and film as many threads were left hanging (I have a horrible feeling this is because they were planning a sequel). Oh, and the credits were lifted from se7en. God, I wish I hadn't I wasted 3 bucks and 90 minutes of my life on this stupid piece of s***!
Grade: D-
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Milo (1998)
I want the 90 minutes of my life back I wasted watching this
I've seen plenty of horror movies, and plenty of bad ones, and this was one of the WORST. It starts with a slightly interesting prologue which is really the best part of the movie, and trust me that is NOT saying much. There is stuff not explained in the plot just because the writers were too lazy to do it-not because they felt it would make the movie mysterious. The writing is so sloppy it insults the viewer's intelligence, and you can predict everything several minutes before it happens. I don't mind stupid movies, if they are entertaining. THis one put me to sleep, I fast-forwarded a lot because I couldn't stand how boring it got. And of course, it's got one of those stupid, overused "twist" endings, as in.."The End...OR IS IT??" This is fine if they are creative about it but to me it was just a lame copout. Don't waste your money renting this one, let alone buying it. In fact, even if someone PAYS you to watch it, make them give you at least $20 bucks for a total waste of 90 minutes. Life is too short and there are too many good movies out there to waste your time with boring, unimaginative crud like this.
grade: F
Campfire Stories (2001)
Whut in tarnation....????
Well, gather round this here campfire, shoppers an' horror movie lovers, an' let me tell you a cautionary tale thet might keep y'all from havin' to sit through this pitcher like this here reviewer did! Y'see, this ole reviwer's always had a thang fer them horror-anthology pitchers thet tell several tales in one. Since some of'er fav'rite horror films are Creepshow, Tales from the Hood, Tales from the Darkside, Twilight Zone the Movie and the likes, she thought she might enjoy wathin' this pitcher. Why, she even sawr a reel scerry one called Campfire TALES, not t'be kinfused with this sorry excuse fer a pitcher, thet scered her so bad she made her husband come inter th' room to hold her hand!
Now see, yer reviwer was fooled by the credit sequence, which showed a comic book come to life, and a talkin' skull warnin' ya about the movie yer about to watch. Why, it even had that neat Creepshow-lookin' font! She thought that looked real cool and gots kinda excited, cause she figgered there was no way anyone could screw up a pitcher thet opened like that. Well, turns out yer ole reviewer was wrong! Fans o' that Jamie-Lynn Sigler from that citified HBO drama the Sopranos, should be warned that she only appears in the pitcher's inept framin' device. This here framin' device has her and two young fellers stranded in the woods waitin' fer a tow truck, when who should they run into but a feller that looks a lot like thet David Johansen of the New York Dolls, playin' a crazy character name o' Ranger Bill! Fer some reason, even though the pitcher advertised that it was filmed on location in New Jersey, this here Ranger Bill talks like an old prospecter from a bad Western, kinda like I am right now. I guess them fellers that made the movie thought it was a mite scarier than a Brooklyn accent. Anyway, he proceeds to tell the young fellers three campfire stories.
Now this here revirewer is a mite confused, because she always figgered that campfire stories were supposed to be scary. The tired, predictible-like stories are about, first, a killer in the woods, featuring a real unnecessary-like prologue, second, about some mean young'uns who kill a Native American Medicine man fer no apperent reason, then start smoking some o' his wacky tobaccy and hallucinatin' some o' those fancified CGI critter effects, only not very good ones .In all fairness I gots to admit thet middle story wasn't quite as predictible, but it shore was borin'! But don't git yer hopes up. There's a third story that's just as tired an' predictable as the others concernin' two couples in a supposedly haunted house bein' stalked by a killer with a camcorder. Evidently that there killer straps the camcorder to his haid when he murders people, since he films his victims while killin' im with both hands! Also, fer some reason, at the end of the framin' device, (the predictible endin' o which is given away anyway in the trailer, which by th' way is the only DVD extra), that there band the Misfits show up! This ole reviewer wondered if any o' this was supposed to make her feel a mite scared, cause by this time she was a-strugglin' to keep awake. By the way, there ain't much gore in this pitcher, in fact, them MPAA varmints coulda rated th' thing PG.
Yer ole reviewer was also feelin' a mite sorry fer the likes of The Misfits, David Johansson, and thet Sopranos chick by the time this dadblamed pitcher was over. Durin' the end credits, we get to see thet Ranger Bill sayin' things to the camera like, "Have you kissed a Ranger today?" intercut with some comic book pages, which turned out to be th' only mildly interestin' thing in the cornsarn flick! Anyway, this here reviewer thought she'd better gather y'all consumers an' moviegoers alike round the fire an' warn ya not to rent, buy, or sit through this sorry excuse for a horror pitcher, so y'all don't hafta suffer the same terrible fate!
Grade - F |
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Evil Ed (1997)
No.
Actually I feel like having my review be that one word. No no no no no. NO! My friend, whose opinions I almost always trust about movies, especially horror movies, warned me NOT to rent this no matter how tempted or bored or desperate to see a new horror movie I was, because it was a complete waste of time. Unfortunately I haven't talked to him in a while, and I was in a hurry to pick a movie, and apparently went momentarily insane and thought, 'what the heck, how bad could it be?' Why don't I learn? What was I thinking? Did I think it would magically turn into a better movie while sitting there on the shelf for years waiting to be rented?
The 'plot' concerns a guy who edits films for some company. His boss is a jerk. The guy who had the job before him went insane and blew himself up in the pre-credits sequence, so for some reason the boss picks nerdy 'Ed' for the special project of editing "Loose Limbs" splatter movies. He never says what Ed is supposed to edit, or how, or why, but I guess that doesn't matter. Ed is upset by some of the clips, working on them up at this house all by himself that the boss has decided to relocate him to for no apparent reason. He asks his boss if he can stop or do another project, but his boss doesn't care. He starts to slowly go insane, supposedly from watching the clips, and wants to carry out the gory murders in real life. Or has he been this way all along? Please note that I am making this plot sound much more deep, interesting, and coherent than it actually is.
We don't care about the characters at all, or have any sympathy for them, or even hate the bad guys. The plot is really, really boring and predictable. The splatter isn't even that gruesome or creative-this is NOT worth renting just to see the gore, because what there is isn't interesting or original.
All the alleged 'tributes' to Sam Raimi just come off like really bad ripoffs, and no-one in the movie is anywhere near good looking enough as Bruce Campbell, so you can't distract yourself with that. I think an "Evil Dead II-Dead by Dawn" poster is only prominently displayed in one scene in the hopes that Sam Raimi will be flattered and not consider any sort of legal action. A trained chimp could have written a better screenplay. Every time I hear lines like "Are we having fun...yet?" (which even Bride of Re-Animator couldn't pull off without making me wince) I start feeling like picking up some sort of deadly weapon myself. Characters just appear out of nowhere with no explanation, wandering in only to get killed. This might be OK if the movie was even remotely amusing or entertaining, but it was all I could do to keep from fast-forwarding through most of it. Fortunately I chose to pay some bills and balance my checkbook at the same time the movie was playing. Trust me, it did not require my full attention-I still felt like 90+ minutes of my life were wasted just by having this on in the background.
Don't watch it, no matter HOW tempted you are-you'll hate yourself for wasting your money. Horror fans will be completely disgusted by how incompetent it is. Even those who haven't seen too many splatter movies should stay away, as there are so many movies out there you could rent that are much more well worth your while. If you want something brainless, low-budget and fun, rent something else. Complete waste of time with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Be smarter than I was at the time and don't be fooled by the "Warning-Not For the Faint of Heart" on the box. It should read: "Not for those who have ever seen a decent horror movie before."
You have been warned!
Grade: F
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Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The (1994)
One of the worst films I have ever had the utter misfortune to sit through, and that's being kind.
Also, that is saying A LOT. I have seen over 500 horror films, and this is probably one of the three worst. Not only that, but one of the worst movies I've ever seen in general, and this is coming from someone who has sat through godawful crap like 8 Heads In a Duffel Bag, Mafia, The Men's Club, and many more. I went to rent 3 movies the other day, I picked Videodrome, Drugstore Cowboy, then went momentarily insane and picked this. I should have quit while I was ahead. No, I should have taken the rental money, bought a bunch of nails, and spent 90 minutes pounding them into my skull instead, as it would have been far more pleasant, soothing, and less painful.
I saw TCM 1, 2, and 3. It would be insulting to even begin to compare the original with this, so I'm not gonna try (though the main survivor in that, the woman who gets away in the last scene has an unbilled cameo in this). TCM 2 was great. TCM 3 was lame but this made it look like Goodfellas in comparison. The "plot" involves 2 couples on prom night who run into Leatherface and his family. That's about the extent of the plot.
Why was it so bad? Well, let's see.
1. Leatherface and other villians simply wander casually into camera range to make their entrance with no pretense at any kind of suspense or buildup.
2. Unusually bad acting, even for a B-horror flick, even from Renee Zellweger and McConaughey (sorry, I'm too pissed to even try to spell their names correctly).
3. They must have spent their entire FX budget on a shot of a rotting corpse in a bathtub, because there is NO gore at all, not even blood, even when someone gets hit in the head with an axe. There's a scene where a bad guy runs over some kid--after he's been chasing him in his tow truck, and the dumb kid just runs ahead of him the whole time, like in a road-runner cartoon, when he could have easily gone into the woods and escaped--and all you see is a shot of him (the bad guy, not the kid) sitting in the cab of the truck, backing over him and going "Yeeehaw!" about 27 times. No body, no nothing. Not even a sound when he runs over him.
4. victims are unusually stupid, even for a horror movie. Yeah, I know they're supposed to do stupid stuff and end up getting killed, but this went so far I wanted to slap the screenwriter (if there was one--most of it seems improvised). Characters on the run from killers hide in houses to escape and DO NOT EVEN CLOSE THE GODDAMN DOOR. There's the obligatory TCM scene where the victim is forced to sit at the dinner table with the rest of the cannibalistic family while they torment her, but in this case the heroine is not tied to the chair, or attached in any way to it--all she had to do was get up and mosey out. It gets to the point where even a viewer with a speed-limit IQ would have their intelligence insulted by this.
5. Leatherface has been turned into a whining, wimpy cross-dresser who is scared of everyone else in his family. Nuff said about that.
Those are just the reasons I can think of off the top of my head. In fact, I'm getting all worked up again over how amazingly idiotic and insulting this movie was just writing about it. I'll be redundant in hopes it will save anyone from watching this piece of s&^t. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Do not pay to rent this movie. Do not even sit through this movie if someone pays YOU to watch it. Take your money and go throw it out in the street instead. The results will probably be more interesting, and you won't be as mad at yourself for wasting your money. Let me stress that this isn't one of those 'so bad it's good' movies that are fun to laugh at, either. Don't rent it just to see how bad it is--if you do, you'll hate yourself after sitting through 3 minutes of it. Trust me on this, please.
Grade: F (if I could give it a lower grade, I would)
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