Coyote Ugly, 2000
If I have to hear I Will Survive one more goddamn time...
Warning: Im doing a sort of play-by-play review of this thing, so if you dont want to know how the movie ends-even though you would figure everything out way before it happened-skip it. But I think reading about this movie would be better than having to sit through it like I did.
Time: 10:00 into the movie: The heroine, Violet, has a dad (John Goodman) who you can tell she worries about. I see he wears a uniform of some sort. Hmmmm, I wonder what will happen with him.
15:00; Oh hey, Theres Ellen Cleghorne! Shes always great.
16:00: Realize ECs character is outta there.
17:00: Realize that the main character is not only annoying, but stupid as well. And how the hell can she afford an apartment in the city when shes unemployed? Well, since her Big Dream is to write songs, Im sure if she goes around trying to shove it in busy, stressed receptionists faces, theyll hire her right away.
18:00: A horrible band plays an ever more horrible song in a club.
20:00 Vi and her Love Interest meet cute. She gets pissed off at something he does and stomps off while he runs after her yelling things like, Wait, just let me explain! Hmmmm, I wonder if Vi and LI will end up together?
21:00 realize belatedly that its a bad sign that I keep rooting for the rude receptionists instead of the heroine.
25:00 another terrible song.
26:00 a kindly guy working in a diner, seeing thats Vi is very low on cash, kindly gives her a large slice of their best pie, smiling and saying it is on the house. She doesn't even say thanks.
27:00 Oh cool, theres Tyra Banks!
28:00 After watching only 10 seconds or so of her dancing, I make a bet with myself thatT Tyra Banks will be the best dancer in the movie.
30:00 Maria Bello shows up. Cool! Then I realize shes supposed to be the older mentor to Vi, and shes what, 30.
32:00 Here we are at the titular bar. Waitresses are dancing on top of the bar, and doing gigantic shots of booze that the men buy them. Cool job! You get to dance, but dont have to strip, can wear about whatever you want, and get drinks bought for you. Neat.
33:00 Or maybe not. The bar is set on fire (Im still not sure how this could be done in real life without damage to either the bar or a patron)
35:00 Yep, it looks like the only really good dancers are professionals (other than Banks). The others are OK, but I notice the shots of them mostly consist of quick shots of them doing some flashy dance move, like whipping your hair around, then cutting away a second later.
37:00 Wonder why they decide that picking out the nickname Jersey is much more glamourous and sexy than Violet. Jersey? Whats up with that?
40:01 fashion montage for the guys (and women who like women) consisting of the hot bodied young women trying on and buying new clothes, almost all of which are so tight and tacky that they make the Bada Bing! girls look classy. The music for this montage? Youre Unbelievable! Great, now its stuck in my head.
43:00 I wish that I had a job where I could pour a bucket of ice over a customers head if he got on my nerves, then announce on a megaphone to the other customers that hes a jerk.
45:00 Vi is mad at LI (Love Interest) when he shows up at the car. Whats she gonna do? She grabs the trusty ole megaphone and starts auctioning off LI to the highest female (I assume) bidder! LI starts taking off his clothes! Hes really into this!
46:00 I notice that the women who are REALLY into the bidding the most are over 35 or so! Well, we all know after you hit 35 thats the only way to get a sexy guy younger than you into bed. Wait, since this is a PG-13 movie, whats gonna happen with the winner? Is he going to say sorry, just kidding, and keep the money? Is he going to follow through and screw around with her? Boy, that would make Vi and LIs relationship interesting.
49:00 The origin of the term Coyote Ugly is defined for all the 6 people out there who didnt know what it meant. I dont know about you, but I sure as hell wouldnt want to work anywhere, let alone a bar, with that name.
50:00 its revealed LI didnt do more than let the poor desperate old 30ish woman grope him. I bet she was pissed. For $250 she could have hired a good-looking guy from an agency to do an outcall to her home.
51:00 we find out LIs quirky character trait: he collects comic books! What a raving nonconformist! Sorry guys, True Romance did it better, and first.
53:00 Annoying, trite dialogue between Vi and LI as they lay on the hood of his car on their backs, gazing up at the stars and talking about their Big Dreams.
57:00 hey, more dancing back at the bar! Hey, maybe I can pick up a could new dance moves.
58:00 ...or maybe not.
59:00 Alright! One Way or Another by Blondie comes on! Now this is more like it!
60:00. Oh, sh*t. Vi is grabbing a mike and singing over it, and she aint no Debbie Harry.
1:03 Nooooo! Vi is warbling an appalling song on the rooftop again, this time while playing an acoustic guitar! Realize the middle set piece was probably the Blondie song scene. Sigh.
1:04 seduction scene ripped off from--oh, excuse me, I mean inspired by Flashdance.
1:06 NOOO! Shes up on the rooftop again, this time with a synthesizer. Thank God, it looks like maybe shes just going to talk to LI.
1:07 I was wrong. I remember the scene in Animal House at the toga party where John Belushis character grabs the guitar away from the hippieish guy and smashes it.
1:08 Gratuitous product placement. Annoying montage.
1:10 After he witnesses Vi running out into traffic and almost getting hit several times, her Dad asks her, What are ya, some kind of moron? Vi changes the subject.
1:11 Vi is revealed to have stage fright, which is interesting considering she boldly jumped up on the bar a few scenes ago and started singing and sexily dancing.
1:12 back in the bar. Wet t-shirt time, guys!
1:13 Vi and her dad have a fight. Plot development can be seen walking up 5th avenue.
1:14 Hey, Rock this Town is on the soundtrack, the Stray Cats version! oops, I spoke too soon. We cut away quickly.
1:16 I see the third act crisis point coming as Vi and LI have a spat. Vi acts like a spoiled, ungrateful b*tch to him. For no reason, really.
1:17 Yep, heres the LI crisis.
1:18 the LIs big, deep, dark secret is revealed. Within 30 seconds, I think of at least 10 alternate secrets that would have been more interesting.
1:19 Vi has gotten a real attitude. Also, not only is she a smart mouth but shes swearing much more than she used to. Im probably supposed to feel sorry for her character, but now I dislike her even more. I doubt this was the filmmakers intention.
1:21 Oh Sweet Jesus, more rooftop singing by Vi! It couldnt get any worse.
1:22. Im just a Love Machine comes on the soundtrack. Oh yes it can.
1:23 For all those 2 people who didnt see the plot development with Vis dad coming the first 2 minutes of the film, its telegraphed all over the place.
1:24 I Cant Help Falling in Love, the Elvis version, is slow danced to at a wedding. I thank God we (my husband and I, not Elvis) were married years before this movie was released, since that was our first dance song, and then there would have been the horrible possibility someone would have associated our wedding reception with this movie.
1:26, Yep, I was right about Vis dad. Surprise, surprise.
1:27 Hospital scene with dialogue out of a daytime soap.
1:28 Crisis with LI made worse by misunderstanding,
1:30 More cliched dialogue is someone tries to convince Vi Not to Give Up On Her Big Dream. I wonder why I didnt just watch Flashdance instead. Beals is about 60 times more likable.
1:31 Horrendous disco song.
1:32 Another product placement.
1:33 A tough cookie character is revealed to just be a big softy at heart.
1:35 Oh goodness, could Vi's Big Dream finally be about to happen?
1:36 Small crisis! Is that Big Dream going to happen or not? Gee, Im on pins and needles.
1:37. Well, guess what.
1:39 In the name of all that is sacred and holy (imagine Chris Farley yelling this) Good LORD what a terrible song she wrote! Plus, I hate this kind of music. If I was at a club where someone on stage started doing this, I'd get up and leave in about 3 seconds, unless the performer was someone I knew and I didnt want to hurt her feelings. In that case Id stay maybe 45 seconds tops.
1:40. oooo, a celebrity cameo! Unfortunately, the celebrity playing herself is Leann Rimes.
1:41 Whats worse than Violet's song/writing/singing and watching Leann Rimes perform? Watching BOTH OF THEM do it at once!
1:42 Tyra Banks shows up for about 6 seconds again.
1:44 One of the worst last lines of a movie possible.
1:49 I wander back into the room to see that after the credits, theres an atrocious video. Well, the video part is OK, the song is atrocious.