ON MAY 14, 1998, JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, AND KRAMER WERE SENTENCED TO ONE YEAR IN PRISON FOR VIOLATING THE MASSACHUSETTS GOOD SAMARITAN LAW, THEN, DUE TO A SERIES OF SARCASTIC QUIPS MADE TO PRISON GUARDS, AND A SERIES FINALE REGARDED BY MOST CRITICS AS "SATISFACTORY AS BEST", JERRY SEINFELD WAS TRANSFERRED TO A MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON. THAT FACILITY IS KNOWN AS...
OZ. (studio audience goes nuts)
(OZ opening credits montage, with shots of Jerry inserted: carefully putting sheets of toilet paper on rim of bowl, doing bench aerobic routine in cell while listening to Discman, flossing his teeth in shower room, looks over and sees two men making out passionately, shakes his head, goes back to
Main room: Aryans meeting at table, shot of Beecher coming down steps.
Schillenger: Listen up. Beecher's goin' down. In the shower. Gonna cut off his sac and stuff it in his mouth.
Seinfeld: (cheerfully) Hi fellas! I noticed there's no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?
They all just stare at him.
Schillenger: Who're you?
JS: Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you.
S: You a Hebrew?
JS. Yeah. But, people don't seem to have a problem with it on a national level (shrugs).
JS and gangsta leaning on railing overlooking main floor.
JS: What is with this place? It's so clique-y. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked, it's like a spa. (to Gangsta) You're not looking too good.
G: Adebesi pricked me with an AIDS infected needle.
JS: Well. Good luck with all...that. (walks off)
Cafeteria. JS is sitting across from Beecher, eating. Schillenger walks by with a tray and he and Beecher glare at each other.
JS: What is *with* you two?
Beecher: (doing a perfect George) Ah, you know. First I was his bitch, then he burned a swastika into my ass, then I took a crap in his face. And that started a *whole* thing...
JS: I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress.
Beecher just looks at him.
B: Anyway. And then he broke every bone in my body. I thought we were gonna make up. And he nailed me to the gym floor.
JS: So did he try to...
B: No. Nothin' happened.
JS: Missed out on the make-up sodomy?
Beecher: Missed out on the sodomy.
JS: But the make-up sodomy's the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!
Beecher: MISSED OUT, baby!
JS is huddled in a circle with Schillinger, Ryan, Hill.
JS: You think you can hold out longer than me?
Ryan: I know I can hold out longer than you.
Schillenger: Care to make it interesting?
Ryan: Carton of smokes?
Hill: I want in, too.
JS: You're all on. (they all lock pinkies ) Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape... wins The Contest.
All: (together, cheering) YeeeAAAH!
The guys are talking on the upper level.
Schillenger : You should have had Kramer up on the stand.
Aryan: Kramer's funny.
JS: Maybe I should have married Elaine. Y'know, the expectations were kinda high.
Hill wheels up, slams a carton of smokes on the table.
Hill: Welp, I'm out!
JS: You ?!!
Hill shrugs and grins.
Schillenger: Yeah, I'm out too.
JS: (sighs) Me too.
They all look at each other for a second, then burst out laughing merrily.
VOICEOVER: Next week, on OZ....
Shot of Jerry in the Hole. Guard opens door to check on him.
Guard: You all right?
JS: Yeah, I'm good. (beat) There's no turn-down service, is there?
(Guard slams door shut in his face)