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Seinfeld in Oz

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If I could, I'd have the whole SNL skit available for download, but I don't have the technology yet. Instead, here's a transcipt. I'm a hardcore Oz fan, and it was one of the funniest things on SNL in years, so here it is.

Scroll past the transcript if you'd like to read an abridged version of my two cents on the underrated and unfairly (though unsurprisingly) snubbed by the Emmy awards HBO drama series Oz.

Voiceover:

ON MAY 14, 1998, JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, AND KRAMER WERE SENTENCED TO ONE YEAR IN PRISON FOR VIOLATING THE MASSACHUSETTS GOOD SAMARITAN LAW, THEN, DUE TO A SERIES OF SARCASTIC QUIPS MADE TO PRISON GUARDS, AND A SERIES FINALE REGARDED BY MOST CRITICS AS "SATISFACTORY AS BEST", JERRY SEINFELD WAS TRANSFERRED TO A MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON. THAT FACILITY IS KNOWN AS...

OZ. (studio audience goes nuts)

(OZ opening credits montage, with shots of Jerry inserted: carefully putting sheets of toilet paper on rim of bowl, doing bench aerobic routine in cell while listening to Discman, flossing his teeth in shower room, looks over and sees two men making out passionately, shakes his head, goes back to
flossing)

Main room: Aryans meeting at table, shot of Beecher coming down steps.

Schillenger: Listen up. Beecher's goin' down. In the shower. Gonna cut off his sac and stuff it in his mouth.

(Seinfeld approaches)

Seinfeld: (cheerfully) Hi fellas! I noticed there's no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?

They all just stare at him.

Schillenger: Who're you?

JS: Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you.

S: You a Hebrew?

JS. Yeah. But, people don't seem to have a problem with it on a national level (shrugs).

JS and gangsta leaning on railing overlooking main floor.

JS: What is with this place? It's so clique-y. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked, it's like a spa. (to Gangsta) You're not looking too good.

G: Adebesi pricked me with an AIDS infected needle.

JS: Well. Good luck with all...that. (walks off)

Cafeteria. JS is sitting across from Beecher, eating. Schillenger walks by with a tray and he and Beecher glare at each other.

JS: What is *with* you two?

Beecher: (doing a perfect George) Ah, you know. First I was his bitch, then he burned a swastika into my ass, then I took a crap in his face. And that started a *whole* thing...

JS: I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress.

Beecher just looks at him.

B: Anyway. And then he broke every bone in my body. I thought we were gonna make up. And he nailed me to the gym floor.

JS: So did he try to...

B: No. Nothin' happened.

JS: Missed out on the make-up sodomy?

Beecher: Missed out on the sodomy.

JS: But the make-up sodomy's the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!

Beecher: MISSED OUT, baby!

JS is huddled in a circle with Schillinger, Ryan, Hill.

JS: You think you can hold out longer than me?

Ryan: I know I can hold out longer than you.

Schillenger: Care to make it interesting?

Ryan: Carton of smokes?

Hill: I want in, too.

JS: You're all on. (they all lock pinkies ) Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape... wins The Contest.

All: (together, cheering) YeeeAAAH!

The guys are talking on the upper level.

Schillenger : You should have had Kramer up on the stand.

Aryan: Kramer's funny.

JS: Maybe I should have married Elaine. Y'know, the expectations were kinda high.

Hill wheels up, slams a carton of smokes on the table.

Hill: Welp, I'm out!

JS: You ?!!

Hill shrugs and grins.

Schillenger: Yeah, I'm out too.

JS: (sighs) Me too.

They all look at each other for a second, then burst out laughing merrily.

VOICEOVER: Next week, on OZ....

Shot of Jerry in the Hole. Guard opens door to check on him.

Guard: You all right?

JS: Yeah, I'm good. (beat) There's no turn-down service, is there?

(Guard slams door shut in his face)

Oz is an amazing and a very addictive show. So, you think YOU have a rough life? Think about trading places with, say, Tobias Beecher.

If you have a strong stomach, aren't upset by extremely graphic and realistic depictions of prison life (my husband, who isn't easily disturbed, won't watch it no matter how much I talk up the writing and acting) and aren't squeamish, I recommend you rent or better yet buy the first season on DVD. I was hooked by the end of the first episode and by the time I was only halfway through the first season, I'd gone on eBay and bought bootlegs of all four other seasons at ridiculously expensive prices (by the way, the guy who sold me the second season should have to spend a week being Schillinger's cellmate, for overcharging me, lying about the quality, and having the nerve to charge me 10 bucks for shipping and then taking a month of me pestering them to mail it to me). It was worth it. The writing is amazing, the acting will blow you away (you'll never think of J.K. Simmons as the red M&M quite the same)the direction great, and the whole show is just top-quality.

You've got crime flashbacks that will have you picking your jaw off the floor over and over, the most cold-blooded gangstas ever, old-skool Italian gangsters (one of the most loveable characters is a mafia don) Edie Falco from the Sopranos as a Correctional Officer, and never a dull or unoriginal moment. Try not to get too attached to any of the characters (note: this is almost impossible) because life in Oz is cheap and all bets are off.

As far as the 'graphic content' goes, they start off by not only pushing the envelope but ripping it to shreds, and then have to keep upping the stakes and topping themselves as the seasons progress.By the time the fifth season rolls around, you'll see stuff so horrifying and disgusting you can't believe someone sat there and thought it up (no complaints here, though) Don't eat your dinner while watching. If you want to be shocked and see some seriously sick s**t, you'll get it.

As a bonus, you'll never EVER want to even think about doing anything that might have the chance of landing you in jail.